Gags

By Dave Mathers

My soulmate ran off with my twin flame

Soulmate? Ooops! I meant, “cellmate!”

My ex-girlfriend was surprisingly good at video games, considering how rarely she played them. I never could wrap my head around that. Then today, it hit me: the bitch knew the “CHEAT” codes!!

I’ve noticed that many people have been becoming hyper-sensitive on Facebook lately. I had one lady correct my misspelling of “quarantine,” then told me to “fuck off and die” before unfriending and blocking me. My mom really needs to chill out! 

My Restless Legs Syndrome, coupled with my chronic case of Jazz Hands often gives people the impression that I’m epileptic.

“Nay!”  There, I said it. I’m such a naysayer!!

I’m writing a cross-genre story that combines treasure-hunting, romance, and the occult. Working title: Necromancing the Stone.

Is anyone else having problems uploading nudes to Christians mingle – or is it just me?

Sometimes I work free of charge, as a clown. I consider it to be pro-bozo work.

My strawman likes to play with fire.

There I was, in Bora Bora, eating some Mahi-mahi tartar over a bed of couscous, while listening to Duran Duran. Life seemed so redundant at the time, but I didn’t care… I didn’t care. 

When someone tells me to be safe, I silently wonder – do they know something that I don’t?

Exactly what crime were George Michael’s feet found guilty of, resulting in their rhythm being taken away?

Santa’s reindeer were bullies, only kind to Rudolph after his birth defect worked to their advantage – so much for unconditional love.

My shoelace broke last night. Most of my friends back in Maryland, would blame President Trump; however, I know that it was actually climate change. 

Occasionally, people will ask me why my marriage failed. I tell them that it was because of the banks. Perplexed, they then ask me to elaborate. I explain to them: My wife and I used two separate banks. I did my banking with Navy Federal; meanwhile, my wife used First Infidelity.