Meccaroni

By Nancy Collisson

Characters

Janice Janusz – A 47-year-old widow trying to survive using her wits.

Randa – Janice’s daughter, an observant college student.

Jeffrey – Her younger, teenage son, a talented skateboarder.

Patti – Janice’s ditzy divorced and wealthy friend. Janice’s children refer to her as AUNT Patti.

Matt – Patti’s son, a bit of an airhead, and skateboarding-friend of Jeffrey.

Jack – Janice’s wise-cracking unemployed ex-husband who still hangs out .

This episode features

Mr. Sulaiman – Refined CEO of Gulf Flour.

Receptionist at Gulf Flour – Elegant, abaya-wearing lady.

Karen Lampson – Skateboard company executive.

Others (non-speaking) – Nursing home residents, Neighbor walking dog, People in cars, parking lots

ACT I, scene i

Sunny Sunday morning at modest open-style home of Janice. Jack is reading newspaper while reclining on her sofa. Patti is giving herself a manicure while seated at a small outdoor table just outside the open patio door. An overstuffed bag and a pair of scissors rest beside her on a table. Janice stands inside, ironing a hugely pleated item from a mountain of rumpled clothing heaped on the opposite end of an ironing board. Randa stands behind kitchen counter mashing bananas and then pouring banana bread batter into a loaf pan. The kitchen counter is cluttered with miscellany. A noticeable but not overbearing cross with suffering Jesus hangs on a wall. A large dog lies on the floor near Jack.

PATTI

Janice you are so good about keeping up with your ironing. I wish I could be as ambitious as you.

JANICE

I’m just nervous, Patti! I can’t wait for our boys to get home!

RANDA

(Stepping beside her mother.) Oh, she’s not just ambitious, Aunt Patti, she’s religious about it! The ironing board is my mother’s sacred altar where she daily practices (holding aloft articles of clothing that had been lying on the ironing board) a ritual sacrifice. (Squirting water from spray pump onto clothes then wielding iron.) First she purifies her victims, then she brandishes metal and steam and smites (pounds iron repeatedly on clothes) the unruly masses forcing them into flat submission. (Deadpan) Actually Mom, I think you’ve got control issues.

JANICE

(Clapping) Pay attention everyone, this is what you get with an English major and psychology minor. Look, I iron because thirty years ago my seventh-grade home-economics teacher taught my class a poem that just stuck with me, you know: ‘Never leave the house until you smoothly iron your blouse.’

PATTI

I remember that! The kids in my class changed that line.

JANICE

Oh yeah, Patti? To what?

PATTI

“Never walk back into your house after midnight with your jumper on inside-out!” (Cackles)

JACK

Geez, Janice, you keep up that ironing, you’ll turn into a bottle of Geritol!

PATTI

Ah, hahaha. Geritol! You know, my mother, she always used to take that Geritol stuff.

JANICE

Oh that’s such a shame; she suffered from an iron deficiency?!

PATTI

Oh no way, not my mother! She was the picture of health!

JANICE

Well, what did she need the extra iron for then?

PATTI

To get rid of the wrinkles, silly! Until she died, she always had the smoothest complexion! (Everyone looks confused.)

(From main door, Janice’s teenage son Jeffrey enters w/ friend Matt, Patti’s son. Both are disheveled and toting skateboards.)

JEFFREY

Hi Mom!

MATT

Morning, everyone! 

JANICE

Hey, Jeffrey! Hiya, Matt! Oh, how exciting! So, quick, quick, quick! Tell us how the big fat commercial shoot went? 

PATTI

I can’t believe you boys were out all night for this thing! You’re gonna show us the video, right? Did everything look cool? All the city streets lit up at night — you and your buddies zooming around, leaping and flipping your little skateboards everywhere!

JEFFREY

Oh, man, we totally shredded that park. And I landed a three-flip on the nose in a line off a bridge! It was all caught on tape, yah.

MATT

It was sick!

JACK

Okayyy …

JANICE

Well, I think it’s just great. It’s not everyday ya know that our two little boys get to be in a fancy-pants commercial and for such a famous product like a world famous soda like Mountain Dew yet!

(In kitchen, crowding Randa, Jeffrey takes two deep bowls from cupboard. Matt noisly pours whole-grain muesli into bowl. From fruit bowl on counter, Jeffrey peels and throws in whole bananas, shakes in raisins from a bag, handfuls of blueberries from fridge, Matt pours from box of oat milk.)

MATT

Bit of health here this morning: oats, bananas, blueberries, milk. Perfect.

RANDA

You know, it’s a good thing you conscientious fellows would never dream of endorsing something that you uh, don’t actually believe in.

JEFFREY

Sis, can you grab that OJ for me?

(Pouring a glass of 100% pure orange juice.) Huh?

RANDA

Never mind.

JEFFREY

Hey Matt (rattling a box the shape of that of a typical macaroni and cheese box that says MECCARONI written across the front, casting a glance at mom, Janice), maybe you want to try some of these with that?

JANICE

(Running to kitchen.) Jeffrey! Stop! Don’t you dare fool around with my homemade noodles, they might break! You know I need that box for my big scary meeting in Chicago tomorrow morning!

JEFFREY

Relax, Mom! I’m just kidding! Far be it for me to get in the way of your precious pasta dreams. (Sets box down. Boys plop down on chairs near TV to put their video on the big screen.)

PATTI

Honestly, Janice. We all know you’re too cheap for Starbucks, but surely even you should know that you do not serve macaroni and cheese at a business meeting.

JANICE

Oh Patti, this isn’t really macaroni and cheese! And of course, I won’t serve mac and cheese at the meeting! Whaddya think I’m crazy or somethin?? I’m just using this box to hold the nifty little pasta shapes that I made all by myself, in my own unique design! Here, let me show ya’z. (Brings box from kitchen counter, steps to her friends and holds up a pasta shape.) It’s an 8-pointed star I just overlapped a couple of squares, cut a hole in the center, stuck them together and voila! I got these cute geometric, Arabesque pasta pieces) 

PATTI

Hey! These are real cute, Janice!

JACK

Whadja do? Carve them or something?

JANICE

Well, I didn’t carve them Jack, I crafted them, you know, like with cookie cutters that I sort of set this way and that way, until I got these shapes … out of pasta dough. It’s not like I can make them all perfectly identical, like they just rolled off a factory conveyor belt or something, but they look pretty okay, and hopefully they’ll do the trick.

JACK

(Sitting up.) Uh oh! This isn’t another one of your half-baked ideas, is it Janice?

JANICE

Well, see, it was like this, the same way it always is when I come up with something! One day I got to thinking about something, and I came up with something, and then I decided to do something about it, that’s all. 

PATTI

Wow, that’s really something!

JACK

A lot of somethings. Annnnd, tomorrow you’re going to do something about it, somewhere?

JANICE

In Chicago! (To her children Randa and Jeffrey) And just remember, you two, you have to wake up very early tomorrow morning because I need you guys to come with me to that meeting! And don’t give me any crahpy fish about it!

RANDA

Um, Mom, you’re kidding, right? I’ve got a really big test on predominant themes in Western media in my film class at 8!

JACK

Ha! One’s unfolding before you right now! Your mother’s life is a regular I Love Lucy show; she’s perpetually coming up with crackpot schemes!

JEFFREY

And, sorry Mom, but you know, me and Matt, we … 

JANICE

Matt and I!

JEFFREY

You and Matt what?

JANICE

Matt and I! 

JEFFREY

(To Matt) Dude, are you going to Chicago with MY MOM tomorrow? 

JANICE

Jeffrey, NO, Matt isn’t, but he can come with you and me, if he wants to!

JEFFREY

Dude! Mom! No way! We’re havin’ a meeting with one of the reps from a skateboarding company. If they cut us a sweet enough deal, we might switch sponsorships!

MATT

Yeah. She wants to make sure we serve as perfect little diplomats for her company.

JANICE

Oh dear.

JEFFREY

I’d like to be there for ya on this Mom, just like I was there for ya on the Happy Hindu Board Game, but it’s just not going to work out this time.

JACK

The Happy Hindu Board Game?

RANDA

Oh, that was scheme number seven-hundred and forty-two — the one where my mother decided that everyone could increase their understanding of Hinduism if she made a game that showed how Hindus deal with real-life situations.

JEFFREY

Yeah. It had an attached spinning wheel on it. (Affecting Indian accent, folding hands.) You know, it represented the endless cycle of karma.

RANDA

It worked like this if you picked a card that said you did something bad, like had a wicked thought about your neighbor or told a fib or killed somebody, your tiny cardboard Hindu person game piece would get velcroed to the wheel for a certain amount of time.

JEFFREY

You could only peel him off if you collected enough ‘good’ behavior points to cancel out the bad.

JACK

So how could a player win?

JEFFREY

Oh, the only way to win was if you were so good that you would achieve the elusive state of bliss called nirvana.

PATTI

Right, like paradise. I learned about that on an episode of Days of Our Lives. (Pause.) Right, Neil told Vanessa that he could bring her to the State of Nirvana – because she had once said that she really liked gambling. (Everyone looks confused)

JACK

Soooo, in the game, how did you reach this goal of nirvana?

JANICE

Oh, well, we had different little cards to depict nirvana, depending on what people could relate to that would make them feel, you know, blissful, like you could get a card that said you just got a massage, or new shoes or maybe even a date with Brad Pitt.

JACK

But aren’t those – even Brad Pitt – regarded as material objects? As things of the material world? According to Hinduism, you’re not supposed to feel ‘attached’ to things – even if they make you feel good. Especially NOT if they make you feel good temporarily. That’s the only way to attain nirvana, by um, letting go of all these sorts of material attachments like money and massages and … the desire to play snuggle bunny.

JANICE

Well how else would the very consumers who bought it, understand the game if there weren’t some sort of reward, Jack??  Listen people, I don’t know about you, but when I get a new pair of shoes, I’m in a state of paradise! 

PATTI

Wait a minute, I thought you said this game was about the state of nirvana? What happened to the gambling? (Confused)

JANICE

(With eyes widened at Patti) Anyway, Jack, I didn’t say that the game didn’t have a few bugs.

JEFFREY

More like a few cows!

PATTI

Cows?

RANDA

Funny you should mention cows! The game actually seemed pretty much perfect, until we took a survey to find out how a few actual Hindu people around here actually felt about it. Go ahead Mom! Tell everyone about your survey!

JANICE

Oh, nowww … !

RANDA

So we took the sample over to the 7-Eleven.

JEFFREY

Yeah (laughing). And all seven of their staffers took a look at us and told us to get out of their store!

RANDA

Yeah – funny how sensitive they became about the fact that the karma wheel itself was made out of cowhide.

JANICE

Listen, only the most durable materials were used in the construction of that game!

PATTI

Well Janice! If the kids won’t go with you tomorrow, maybe me and Jack could go with you!

JANICE

Patti, sorry, but Jack and I!

PATTI

You and Jack are already going without me?

JACK

(Sighing) Back to the Mystery at Noodle Cove!

PATTI

Don’t you guys want me to come with you?

JANICE

Oh Patti, would you?! Of course, I want you, you and Jack both! That’d be awesome! I can’t possibly do this thing alone! Quite frankly, I’m terribly nervous and really need the support! It’s not everyday we get a chance in this life to convince some big shot in a business to buy our homemade product! Right?? 

PATTI

I’ll be right there with you, girlfriend!

JACK

Do I have a choice?

JANICE

Come on, Jack. I need a real team – a team with members who have shining positive attitudes!!

You’d both be such a big help. But – I’d only want you to come with me if you’ll be totally willing to play the part, you know? Look sort of official — like you’re my employees because – okay, this is really exciting … I’m going to be meeting with the president of what’s called the Gulf Pasta Factory!

JACK

Gulf? Based on your cut-outs, I’m just going to take a wild guess and say this isn’t the Gulf of Mexico Pasta Factory.

JANICE

Ding! Ding! Ding! And you’d be right, Sir. It’s the Arabian Gulf they’re referring to. Their products are shipped all over the world, and they’re just a couple hours drive away! 

PATTI

Wow! I didn’t know the Arabian Gulf was only two hours away!

JANICE

 Well, one of their branches is, Patti. Isn’t that great? I can’t tell you how difficult it was for me to get an appointment there! This is a really big opportunity for me! So, naturally I want this venture to be a success! I need to pitch him my proposal on why my Meccaroni noodles are so special, so his company will decide to manufacture them. Your being there could really add some weight, some solid convincing substance to my spiel, ya know what I mean?

PATTI

So what time we leaving? Maybe I gotta go home now and get ready? What should I do, Janice?

JANICE

I’ll pick you up at 6 a.m. – we have to leave early to avoid traffic and because the only appointment time I could get was 8 a.m.!

PATTI

Hmm, okidokie!

JANICE

You’re sure? You’re going to be ready to go by 6?

PATTI

Sure?

JEFFREY

Okay, who wants to watch the video that has clips from our shoot.

PATTI

I do!

JANICE

Oh goodie.

JEFFREY

(Hits the TV remote) Sound of constant repetitive cracking of skateboard as disastrous skateboarding jumps are repeated, then sound of scraping and scream in pain, jump – scream, jump – scream.) 

MATT and JEFFREY

(Groan and laugh and high-five)

JANICE

Ooookay, guys. I think we’ve seen enough (Takes remote, switches off TV) How about we just wait for the final censored version. It doesn’t seem fair to the folks at Mountain Dew that we associate their beverage with bruises and gashes and blood and excruciating pain.

RANDA

What difference does it make to Jeffrey and Matt? Their brains are so rattled from all the jumping, they’ve lost all sense of pain, and associations..

PATTI

Speaking of brains, Jeffrey … have you been studying for your GED test?

JEFFREY

Hmm, an interesting question. Now, if school exists to prepare one for life, and I already make five times more money than you — an, ahem, ‘master’s degree holder’ — then I’m not altogether sure that my securing the GED, that you so seem to covet, is actually going to improve my life.

MATT

Dude! (Laughing, high-fiving.)

JANICE

Look, as long as you boys can get paid for jumping around on those skateboards, well, you can enjoy your day in the sun. But someday, when your knees wear out as badly as the shock absorbers on our ’97 Impala, you’ll wish that you’d have worked your brains a little harder than your ball bearings.

(Boys continue staring dully at skateboarding videos.)

JEFFREY

Oh motherrr …

JANICE

Yesss …?

JEFFREY

Perhaps I should have hastened to make this announcement a fortnight ago, (boys snicker) but, the publication that Matthew and I have been designing for the past few months has secured the advertising contracts of five more of the biggest skate companies in the world.

MATT

Emerica, Etnies, Girl, Volcom, and, Shorty’s! (Another high five).

RANDA

Sick!

JANICE

Boys! That’s amazing!

PATTI

A magazine too yet!

JACK

Congratulations guys! (Shakes their hands.)

JEFFREY

So we are now the official publishers of our own official skateboarding mag!

MATT

It’s called ‘Goin’ Mobile!’

JACK

Speaking on behalf of Roger Daltrey, I approve.

PATTI

Good work guys! We are so darn proud of you!

JANICE

Hey! This calls for celebration!

PATTI

Right, Janice. Where’s the champagne?

JANICE

Geez, Patti. It’s 10.30 in the morning. Too early for alcohol, don’tcha think?

PATTI

Hellooooo? Is there such a thing as a wrong time to celebrate? What’d you do with that bottle we picked out of the bin at Stinky Pete’s?

JANICE

From like two years ago?

PATTI

(Prominently filing her nails) Right! I’m sure it’s perfect now. You know how they let these alcohols sit, so they get more refined, like us.

JANICE

(Goes to and opens kitchen cupboard above fridge where a few booze bottles are stashed.) Here Jeffrey. Open this, would you please? And be careful you don’t put somebody’s eye out.

(Matt opens window so Jeffrey opens bottle through it toward a neighbor’s house. We hear a window smash. Matt quickly closes window on Jeffrey’s arms. 

JEFFREY

Ow! Dude!

(Randa closes curtain over both of them. Janice steps into kitchen to take three wine glasses from cupboard and hands one to Patti and the other to Jack.)

JEFFREY

(Emerging from behind curtains) Hey? Where’s our celebratory glass?

PATTI

When you’re 21 you can celebrate, dear. (After guzzling her champagne, sets her glass down and begins to snip evenly, two inches apart, from the bottoms of three men’s dress shirts that she has removed from a bag.) Well, I am now emboldened and ready to take on this long-put-off and dreaded task. (Starts noisly tearing the shirts into strips.)

RANDA

(Stepping beside Patti) Aunt Patti, why are you tearing up these men’s dress shirts? They look brand new!

PATTI

Oh, these belonged to your uncle Jimmy. You know, Randa, when I’m dealing with things, like men, that tend to stir up bitter memories, I like to keep busy. And it helps to have some company around.

JACK

That’s right sweetheart, Your aunt Patti doesn’t like to strip alone.

PATTI

See, these are some of ‘the former’s’ (ripping from the bases of each shirt) old Perry Ellis (rip) Ralph Lauren (rip) and Hugo Boss (rip) dress shirts that he just plum forgot to take out of his closet before abandoning his adorable salary and darling company car to go ‘find himself’ in a hut somewhere in the Himalayas. (Knots together ends of fabric strips.)

RANDA

Oh, Aunt Patti, I’m sure he’ll come back down soon, once he realizes how much he misses and appreciates you.

JACK

Yeah, just as soon as it occurs to him that he could have just stayed home and spent the last ten years keeping Aunt Patti in Porsches and pashminas!

RANDA

Well, why not just make it easy on yourself and turn them all over to Goodwill. At least that way some good will come out of this. Lots of men would be happy to have these.

PATTI

Well, I was going to drop them all at the Charity Choo Choo, at the old train station site, but looking at the stack of them led me to remember what your grandmother used to do with old shirts.

RANDA

(Picking up a length of knotted strips.) She’d use them to risk daring escapes out the window from Grandpa from the upper story of their west-end duplex?

PATTI

Hmm … Anyway, after tearing his shirts into strips she braided them neatly together and then stitched the braids together round and round. She ended up with really colourful area rugs.

RANDA

Oooh! Aunt Patti, I would love to have one for my apartment when I start back to school in the fall!

PATTI

I’d love to make that for you, honey!

RANDA

Gosh, I don’t know Aunt Patti. I’d feel like such a back-stepper.

Janice You know, gang, what Aunt Patti is doing makes a lot of sense it reuses, it’s thrifty, and it’s just the sort of thing that can end up … (caught in idea).

PATTI

End up?

JANICE

Making money!

RANDA

Mother!

JANICE

You know we could get some kind of business going that combines the boys’ magazine with your product!

JEFFREY

Mother!

JANICE

Yes, listen, just hear me out on this, I know what I’m talking about. Matt, you have a lot of his old skateboarding t-shirts and boards, don’t you?

MATT

(Choking with emotion) I love that stuff man!

PATTI

He’s got heaps of those shirts, Janice, and no matter how shabby they get, he just won’t part with ‘em, either! 

JANICE

So does Jeffrey, and I’m sure thousands of other skateboarders do too.

JANICE

Well, listen, kids could send in their old T-shirts that they no longer wear, but that they also don’t want to throw out! We’d cut them up and turn them into stuff, like rugs, or quilts, or pillow covers.

JEFFREY

We could turn their boards into benches or picture frames.

JANICE

You got it!

RANDA

Oh, I see. It’d be a regular cottage industry!

JACK

Cottage cheesy.

PATTI

See, I told you that you were ambitious!

JANICE

But we’d have to start slow. First we design an ad asking skateboarders to just send in their old precious t-shirts.

PATTI

But washed and ironed!

JANICE

Right, we’ll keep it simple. Then, we’ll have a specialized team make a rug or a quilt out of them — small, medium, or large with the requisite number of shirts required for the size written on the order. The customer will send enough money for us to send the finished products back, plus enough for us to pay the people we hire to make them.

JEFFREY

I get it. It’s a win-win situation; the skateboarders will end up with a nice long-lasting keepsake of their glory days, and a few people will have jobs!

PATTI

And we can hire homeless folks from the shelter and nursing home to do the tearing, cutting, and sewing.

RANDA

Ugh. Come on, get real you two … Why would anybody do this?

JANICE

Uh oh, here’s Little Miss the glass is half-empty, and cracked, and she chipped her tooth on it.

RANDA

Well like, think about it. What would the ad even look like? What would it say so that it gets attention and seems ‘cool.’ the stuff you want to make is so dorky.

JANICE

Hmmm ……

MATT

How about, ‘Rip yourself a new one!’

JANICE

That’s great! I love it! That’s it!

MATT

You know, I’ve made lots of things out of old skateboarding gear.

(Memory montage on screen of things that Matt has lovingly done with worn-out skateboarding gear and given to his mother Patti for placement throughout their beautiful, formal home flower pots out of old shoes; a mailbox; their picket fence out of skateboards; skateboard clock on the fireplace mantle; photo of himself sporting large scar across his back in broken skateboard picture frame; dog toys out of rubber wheels; L-wrench and pencil holder made from cast of broken ankle; bed pillow case from T-shirt and skateboard cut-out for toilet seat.)

PATTI

(On cell phone calling shelter) Hi, my name is Patti Murphy and I have a business proposition for any folks there, say four or five, who have fairly good sewing skills. If you can get a group of people together for me, I’d like to stop by to interview them. Would this afternoon be all right? Say about 2 o’clock? Great! Okay, see you then! Goodbye.

RANDA

Well, that ball of thread is rolling.

Jack Yeah, now all you have to do is wait for the shirts to hit the van! You know, that the delivery man uses … See ya folks, gotta go. (Exits through front door.)

All Bye, Jack.

PATTI

Ya know, in order for me to really check these people out and make sure they’ve really got good sewing skills, I’ll have to put ‘em to the test. I’ve got a great big bolt of black fabric at home that’s just taking up space in my linen closet that I used for one of Matt’s old Halloween costumes – remember when you went as a bat, honey?

MATT

I was so cute.

PATTI

So I think I’ll walk home now and cut it up so that I’m ready to give them a sewing test.

JANICE

(Excited) Patti, did you say black fabric?!

JEFFREY

What’s that? A death metal band for old ladies?

PATTI

I did. Why? Is that not good? You think maybe it’s a little hard to see the stitches on? We’ll use white thread.

JANICE

No, I mean, yes, that’s great Patti, but it’s something else. I just have a feeling that I might be able to use some of your black fabric to sew something that I’d like to wear to my meeting tomorrow. It’s not the sort of thing one can easily find to buy around here, so, hey, do you mind if I go with you to your place to take a look at it?

PATTI

Sure! If you’re ready, let’s go.

JANICE

Just a minute. (Shouting) kids!

JEFFREY and RANDA

Yes? / What is it?

JANICE

I’m leaving with Patti for a few minutes.

JEFFREY and RANDA

(Lip-synching Janice’s words)

JANICE

So clean up the kitchen and walk the dog!

(Exit with Patti.)

END Act I

ACT II, scene i

Janice’s kitchen, late at night, Janice is wearing short, baggy, frumpy gray sweatpants and a loud but faded plaid flannel shirt. Her hair is piled up on top of her head. She’s wearing giant slippers. She is at the table sewing with a tabletop sewing machine a huge piece of black fabric that covers the entire table, with a few smaller black pieces beside her.

RANDA

(Entering kitchen wearing pajamas) Mom, isn’t it kind of late? Are you still working on this outfit? You’re leaving early, so don’t you want to get some sleep?

JANICE

Well, this isn’t too difficult, it’s just sort of tent like, so it doesn’t have to be perfect. Anyway, I’m just about finished.

(Alarm clock in Janice’s bedroom goes off. Janice gets up to turn it off then returns to kitchen where she sees Randa standing in front of a hall mirror tying onto her face what looks like a surgical mask, only it’s black.)

RANDA

(As mother re-enters, into mirror) Attention, attention please. Calling all nurses, get me some bleach! Stat!

JANICE

Haha. Give me that! I’ve got to hurry because Patti’s going to be here any minute. She called and offered to drive so that I can prepare my presentation during the car ride. So, are you ready for your test?

RANDA

Yes, yes. I’m just getting up early to look over a few notes. (Gives mother a kiss.) See ya later Mom, and good luck!

JANICE

Thanks sweetie. Have a nice day. I’ll see you when you get home. (She keeps sewing until there is a knock at the door. Seeing that it is

PATTI

accompanied by a man, she gets panicky.) A guy? Who is that? (Not wanting to be seen in her presently sloppy state, she grabs the fabric from the table and runs down the hallway to her bedroom. Presumably she is yelling from her bedroom window.)

JANICE

Patti? Is that you?

PATTI

Janice?

JANICE

(Whispering loudly) I didn’t know you were entertaining guests at six in the morning.

PATTI

(Whispering loudly from outside) I wasn’t! But my car battery was dead and I had to get a jump. I saw Jack taking a run and asked him to help. He had jumper cables in his garage, so he jumped the battery. I asked him if he wanted to come along and he said he would!

JANICE

Well, come on inside; the door’s open.

(Patti and Jack enter.)

JANICE

(Pops head out from behind the bedroom door and whispers loudly.) Morning Jack! I guess it’s good if you join us, especially if there’s a possibility of more car trouble. I just hope that you’re wearing something conservative, and not your little jogger hot pants!

PATTI

(Goes behind kitchen counter. Starts slicing banana bread from yesterday and holds out to Jack a plate with slice. She begins eating the bread.)

JACK

(Wearing appropriate dress slacks, belt, collared shirt, and tie. Taking slice, begins eating, whispers loudly to Janice.) Sure, sure. I guess I look rather professional. (To Patti, in normal voice) And I don’t mind playing along. I mean, what else have I got to do all day except apply for jobs online. I might as well spend some time getting out in the real world of professional business. It’ll do me good to meet big shots and sell them on things like ‘proposals.’ Ya know, getting laid off after working twenty-five years on an auto line makes a guy a little rusty in his career etiquette. I’m sure I can learn a lot from you two women-of-the-world about how to get a foot in the door

(Janice re-enters from her bedroom inelegantly wearing the black fabric as an Arabic abaya that might commonly be seen in Saudi Arabia. A little headpiece covers over her hair and a mask covers her lower face. Her eyes are heavily lined in kohl. She’s wearing high-heel strappy, open-toed black shoes.)

JACK

(Sees Janice, begins to choke on his banana bread.)

Patti ACK! What are you supposed to be? No, make that where are you supposed to be? Or who are you supposed to be?

(Steps up to wall where the cross with Christ figure is hanging, turns the cross around so Christ figure faces wall — ‘can’t see’)

JANICE

Oh, now listen, this is just temporary. I only really want the people I’m meeting to feel comfortable with me, you know? I need to sell this product concept because if I don’t, I honestly don’t know how the kids and I are going to make it through the next month, Patti. Now you two can really help me by being supportive!

JACK

Ahh, I’m beginning to get the picture now. The Gulf Pasta Factory, right? ‘Gulf’ as in Persian Gulf maybe?

PATTI

Hmm, okay. Whatever. Let’s make it happen for ya.

JANICE

Jack, thanks for joining us, really. Did you have a cup of coffee? Please, help yourself, oh, and give me a cup!

JACK

Er, maybe that’ll help. (Goes to machine, gets three cups, starts pouring.) And I guess, Janice, you’ll be wearing, I mean taking it just black?

ACT II, scene ii

Dawn, outside of Janusz house as Jack, Patti, and Janice are about to get in car

PATTI

Janice, I hope you know what you could be getting yourself into. What if you offend this guy? He’s going to know you’re just putting on an act to try and get his business.

JANICE

(Singing and dancing) I’ll take you to the outlet mall on the way home, if you’re gooood.

PATTI

You forget, I’m driving.

JACK

How about I drive? (Patti hands him the keys.)

PATTI

Janice, aren’t those shoes a bit sexy for this get-up? Aren’t women who wear those supposed to be conservative?

JANICE

Well, I didn’t have time to put up a hem so I’m just wearing my highest heels. Anyway, there’s nothing to worry about, I’ll just be really graceful. All we have to do is hold high thoughts and present ourselves as polished professionals.

JACK

Everything is just so much marketing.

(All are waiting for Jack to unlock the car doors – the car is an older model, so doesn’t have automatic locks. A Neighbor walking his dog is nearing.)

PATTI

(Speaking softly so Neighbors won’t hear) Actually, Janice, why don’t you put that on just before we get there?

JANICE

I can’t! I need to practice wearing it because I need to be completely comfortable, otherwise the guy I’m meeting will think I’m just an ordinary person.

JACK

Well, from the looks of it, I’d say chances of that are slim to none.

JANICE

(To dog) Well, good morning sweetie, sweetie, sweetie. (Dog stands up against her.)

NEIGHBOR

(In a panic, trying to pull dog away.) Oh, I’m so sorry, really, really sorry!!! Come on Bazooka, let’s go home! (Runs away.)

JANICE

(Getting in car.) Ah, hahaha, this is a great thing to wear when you don’t want anyone to bother you. And you don’t have to worry about what you look like or what you’re wearing! I love it! I feel so powerful, un-self-conscious, and so relaxed! This meeting is going to

be great!

Act II, scene iii

In car, neighboring drivers gape at Janice who sits alone in the back seat.

PATTI

Janice, just how is it that you can have lived 47 years and not have any idea how peculiar your behavior can be sometimes???

JACK

Yes Janice. Why don’t you just share your problems, I mean, maybe we can help.

JANICE

Ya know, you two should understand the lengths I go to get ahead.

JACK

Oh, I think we can clearly see that today those lengths are about six yards.

JANICE

Patti, tell me! How did your interviews go at the nursing home and homeless shelter?

PATTI

(Applying nail polish.) Oh real well. I can’t tell you how excited I am about the skills of some of these people. And they can’t wait for the work. Oh, and Matt already designed the ad and posted it in the magazine, so we’re good to go!

(Jack switches on the radio. The announcer is sharing serious world news. Patti turns down radio to talk.)

PATTI

Oh, and you won’t believe what one of those old folks told me!

JANICE

What?

PATTI

This lady named Myrtle she started telling me about her grandson who took so many steroids that he ended up shrinking his cuticles!

JANICE

Shrinking his cuticles?

PATTI

It’s true! They shrank!!

JANICE

Oh Patti she’s got things mixed up! It’s not cuticles (embarrassed and sort of whispering because Jack is right there)! It’s testicles! You know, it’s like they’re always saying in the news that (whispering) male athletes who take steroids can end up with shrunken testicles! It’s like that.

JACK

(Laughing.) ‘Cuticles!’

PATTI

But come on, you gotta admit that these days even these amazing athletes don’t want loose, slack cuticles. Just look at that cutie pie soccer player whats-his-name –he’s famous for getting manicures!

JACK

You mean David Beckham?

PATTI

Ooooh, that’s the one. His hands are lovely!

JANICE

For God’s sake, Patti. Do you have any Tylenol in the glove compartment?

PATTI

You know, Neil Armstrong, he really did have shrunken testicles.

JANICE

Neil Armstrong?! How could you ever hope to know such a thing?

PATTI

Oh, come on, the way he was always riding that bicycle??!!

JACK

Waaait a minute. You’re mixing up Neil Armstrong with Lance Armstrong, the ‘seven-time winner of the Tour de France’. Everybody knows that Lance Armstrong survived a very serious bout of cancer, including testicular cancer, so, some folks thought that maybe he was taking steroids, but so far he’s proved ‘em all wrong.

JANICE

(Agitated) But that’s beside the point you guys, because I’m pretty darn sure that ya can’t get cancer or shrunken testicles from riding a bicycle!

PATTI

Well (laughing), whoever said that you could?!

JANICE

Well, you did!

PATTI

Oh, no. I would never make up stuff about the state of somebody’s health.

(Prolonged silence.)

JANICE

Well then what in the H are you talking about?

PATTI

Well, it’s just that I used to date a really buff bodybuilder who spent a lot of time riding a stationary bike, and whenever he was in a body-building competition he wore the tiniest little Speedo and you could see that he had the teensiest little …

JANICE

Stop! Never mind! We get the picture!

JACK

And, let me guess, his name was Neil Armstrong.

PATTI

Hey? How did you know?

JANICE

Honestly, Patti, is this what I have to have as my final thought before going to my execution — I mean my appointment!!

Act II, scene iv

Outside parking lot featuring building with signboard Gulf Pasta Factory. Jack, driving, enters lot, parks car. They all get out stepping into strong wind that blows Janice’s abaya around. Importantly, for the purpose of the script, she carefully manages to keep it wrapped tightly around her.

Act II, scene v

Reception area of Gulf Pasta Factory. Woman seated behind reception desk is wearing an actual abaya. She looks stylish and elegant, while Janice is sloppy, tripping over fabric. Her sleeves are too long and head piece keeps falling over her eyes, veil keeps sucking in around her mouth when she breathes and talks.

RECEPTIONIST

Hello, may I help you?

JANICE

(While speaking, the veil piece is sucked in and out against her mouth.) Good morning, yes, we’re here to see Mr. Sulaiman? My name is Janice? We have an eight o’clock appointment?

RECEPTIONIST

Please, just take a seat. (Steps to office door of Mr. Sulaiman to inform him.)

JANICE

(Whispering, leaning in for a huddle, discreetly lifting headgear so they can see her mouth.) Oh, I should have warned you two while we were in the car! Remember, no Matter what, do not do or say anything that is even slightly inappropriate! I don’t have to tell you that these are not the sort of people to kid around with!

MR. SULAIMAN

(Stepping over to greet her, Janice reaches out her hand to shake his, but he looks perplexed and doesn’t take her hand. She retracts her hand suddenly.) Mrs. Janusz, good morning, how are you?

JANICE

Oh, fine, thank you. And thank you for taking time to see us.

MR. SULAIMAN

Please, step right this way. May I offer each of you some Sulaiman tea?

JANICE

Oh, neat, you’ve got a tea named after yourself?

Act II, scene vi

The office of Mr. Sulaiman, desk, sofa, two chairs, books, plants, etc.

MR. SULAIMAN

Oh, no, no, this is just the standard name of a tea commonly served in my part of the world.

PATTI

Oh wow, do you maybe also have any of that hubbly bubbly? Sheesha? Hookah? (Giggling, nudging Jack.)

JANICE

(Wincing and glaring.)

PATTI

(Whispering to Janice) I was just being supportive, you know, ‘into it!’

MR. SULAIMAN

Well, actually, no.

JANICE

Oh, I see. Well, sure, of course, I think we’ll all be happy to have some tea. By the way, Mr. Sulaiman, these are my assistants, um, Mr. Al Addin and Miss Jasmine.

(They shake hands and take seats in his office, Janice near desk, Patti and Jack in two seats near a side wall. Each is served tea by one dressed in traditional Pakistani garb. The orange colored tea is served in skinny two-inch tall clear glasses with handle, Sulaiman style.)

JANICE

(Offering business card) Here is my card.

MR. SULAIMAN

Thank you. (Presenting his business card to Janice and looking at her card, reading it aloud) ‘Janice Janusz, Senior Vice President, Lofty Themes.’ An interesting name (ahem), but more interesting is the fact that your company name seems to be quite open to interpretation. Just what is it that your company is involved in?

JANICE

Oh, well, we do a variety of things.

PATTI

All of them lofty!

JACK

And having themes!

MR. SULAIMAN

Mrs. Janusz, I’m a bit surprised that you’re wearing a sheila and an abaya. It’s rare to see that garment in this country or especially in this town. You seem to be a very strict religious woman.

JANICE

Oh, well (quickly standing up, taking a few steps away from his desk, spinning around nervously and stupidly) I’m just trying it on for size and all, you might say, (nervous chortling) so to speak. Haha. (keeps pushing up sleeves, stepping on bottom of fabric and then kicking it out forward – like an ancient Heian Japanese dignitary – in order to then step on the fabric so she can move forward, keeps adjusting head piece so it doesn’t fall in front of her eyes. Clumsily resumes sitting.)

MR. SULAIMAN

(Relaxed and friendly.) Well, clearly you are here on business, after all, and, in my long experience in Matters of business I have come to conclude that it’s best for all parties concerned that we just be who we are. (Light-hearted and humorous.) After all, business is business! If we’re all behaving honorably, with fundamental courtesy and respect for one another, then we needn’t let awkward issues of appearance get in the way of ‘cutting any deals,’ so to speak. (Phone buzzer rings. He picks up call. Responds positively and hangs up.) Hmm, really, Mrs. Janusz, I sense that you are terribly uncomfortable wearing that and I have the unfortunate feeling that you’ve done so out of a well-intentioned effort to make me feel more comfortable. The result is an absolutely undue pressure on all of us, don’t you think? So, please, if you don’t mind, since I’ve got to step out for a minute or two anyway, if you’ll just excuse me, then, while I’m out, feel free to remove it so you can at least move your arms and take a few notes, and … be able to see! Um, perhaps, Mr. Al Addin, you’d like to join me?

JACK

(Confused.) Nah, that’s okay. I’ve seen her take her clothes off lots of times! I mean, at the beach and stuff like that. But thanks anyway?

(Sulaiman exits.)

JANICE

(Panicking, trying to walk to the door.) Oh, well, really, Mr. Su … It’s okay! (He’s already out the door. Janice is quite nervous.)

PATTI

Great! Give me that! I’ll stuff it into my purse! (Starts undraping the abaya from Janice.)

JANICE

No! I want to leave it on!

PATTI

Come on, Janice! You heard what he said! Take it off! Get real, woman!

(Jack enjoys fight, sips tea.)

JANICE

Get out of there! Stop it! Leave me alone! (Fabric rips up the back, revealing that Janice hasn’t changed her clothes from overnight — still wearing baggy and short gray frumpy sweatpants and flannel shirt — she looks particularly ridiculous as she turns around and the abaya drops, when all can see her with excessive kohl eyeliner and spike-heeled shoes.)

JACK

(Guffaws loudly, spraying Sulaiman tea from his mouth.)

PATTI

Janice, didn’t you even get dressed this morning?!

JANICE

Wellll, I didn’t have time because you and Jack were there so early – and besides, I didn’t need to because this outfit covered everything!! (Looking at reflection in a large silver trophy on his desk) Now what am I going to do?

PATTI

Well, get the whole thing off, and give me that thing on your head.

JANICE

No! I really need that! (Pony tail at top of her head creates a short mushroom that looks even more ridiculous she props the black headpiece atop the mushroom).

Gentle rap at door.

MR. SULAIMAN

(Politely entering, back first.) Excuse me. I feel a little bit like a physician! (Upon seeing her, polite, but shocked) So (clearing throat), I trust you are more at ease now?

JANICE

(Standing upright, maintaining a semblance of dignity.) Oh, I think so. Thank you, yes, because, well, of course, as you suggest, in business it’s not what’s on your back that Matters – it’s what’s in your head and what you do! This is something important for my two assistants here to understand.

MR. SULAIMAN

Yes, of course, so, feel free to carry on.

JANICE

Well, Mr. Sulaiman, I wanted to share with you my idea for a pasta product that I believe will be appreciated by Middle Easterners, in particular. (Opens handbag, removes blue box and pours pasta onto his desk.) See, I made these little noodle shapes all by myself. Oh, and of course, to protect myself I’ve already met with the folks at the U.S. trademark office where I filed for a patent on ‘em and everything.

(Jack and Patti look at one another and roll eyes.)

JACK

So no one can, you know, swipe the idea.

MR. SULAIMAN

Well, I certainly wouldn’t ‘swipe’ anyone’s idea, as you say, but, I do understand that these days it certainly is an important thing to do, to protect the sanctity of a concept!

PATTI

Right. Sanctity!

JACK

Of a concept.

JANICE

So, you see, these are cute little Arabic designs! And, the really great thing is that if you manufacture these (very excited), I have a really terrific branding idea!

MR. SULAIMAN

Oh, my goodness, and are you willing to tell?

JANICE

(Highly excited.) Sure! Meccaroni! – You know, like the Mecca Cola idea you folks too-k, I mean, have? See, it would work like this We’ll make a box that has a picture of the big mosque at Mecca and all these little Arabesque pasta shapes will be floating like stars in the sky above it, and everybody will have to have it!

PATTI

Especially at you folks’ holy holiday called Rama, Rama …

JACK

Ramadan!

PATTI

(Clapping, looking at Jack.) Don’t you just love it?!

JACK

(Nodding, looking at Patti.) Cool!

MR. SULAIMAN

(Serious, hard to understand how he feels.) Well, I must say, Mrs. Janusz, this is an interesting concept. If I may now ask, how did you manage to come up with it?

JANICE

(Pleadingly, nervously cheerful) Oh, well, these types of ideas have no end with me, or beginning either, I guess (snort).

JACK

They are at once a blessing and a curse!

PATTI

Right, she basically just can’t help herself!

JANICE

So, um, forgive me?

MR. SULAIMAN

(Listening, staring intensively at the pasta shapes.)

JACK

Yes! Forgive her Mr. Sulaiman. Ya know she’s always comin’ up with stuff like this. Heck, this sounds a little bit like her whacked out idea for a name for a condom brand that she that she thought she could convince the Catholics to sell at church last year.

PATTI

Yeah, right. Remember what she called it?!

JACK

‘Vatican’t!’ (Laughing).

PATTI

(Laughing with great hilarity.)

JANICE

(Rolling eyes with great annoyance.)

PATTI

(Still laughing, focused on talking only to Jack.) Oh, oh! Or like this one ad that I found that she designed when the money was really low, for adult ‘toys.’ She put the picture of the things in little pastel colors on the left side of the page with the caption Guaranteed Org … (whispers the rest to Jack), and on the right side of the page she stuck a picture of the dumpiest looking middle-aged guy with the caption Guaranteed Pain in the A … (whispers the rest to Jack. Roars with laughter, then looks at Mr. Sulaiman and Janice who deadpan.) Oh, but after all, that idea was nothing like this one, right Janice? Because this one is so not inappropriate!

MR. SULAIMAN

Well, you know, I think it best that for everyone’s sake, Mrs. Janusz, that I run a little survey, right here in my office – to find out what people in my community really think about this unique concept of yours.

JANICE

Um, okay! I guess? … Great? Because definitely, I am totally pro-survey. (Looks wide-eyed at Patti and Jack.)

MR. SULAIMAN

(In harsh, gruff-sounding guttural Arabic, calls out to secretary and Others in office to step into his office.)

(Each enters to face Janice, Jack, and Patti appearing in a tableau that they would interpret as somewhat menacing. Each is wearing traditional garb typical of that seen in Oman, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Palestine, Afghanistan.)

MR. SULAIMAN

(In Arabic, Sulaiman asks group if they are offended by Janice’s idea to make a noodle called Meccaroni. Non-Arabic speakers would understand that he also mentions the product’s resemblance to Mecca Cola. The employees discuss the Matter loudly, gesturing, shouting, ululating. After a few seconds the sound frightens Janice, Jack, and Patti to the point that they run out of the office.

Act II, scene vii

Back in the parking lot. Janice, Jack, and Patti run to the car. Jack slowly unlocks doors for the ladies, gets in the driver’s seat, speeds away.

Act III, scene i

Janice’s home, indoors. Randa is typing a paper at the computer. Jeffrey is studying at the dining table. Janice enters room from bedroom hallway after obviously having bathed, as she is wearing a thick white chenille bathrobe w/ an appliqué of a colorful parrot near the shoulder, fluffy slippers, red towel wrapped around head somewhat reminiscent of a Taliban, and one eye surrounded by the gray residue of semi-removed eyeliner (looking reminiscent of an eye patch).

RANDA

Oh look, Jeffrey! It’s the Captain in Chenille!

JANICE

(Heading toward kitchen where she begins chopping vegetables) Okay, okay, there isn’t enough Vaseline in this town, much less in this house, to help me remove the amount of eyeliner I wore today.

JANICE

(Enters kitchen, begins chopping an onion.) So, kids, tell me all about your day.

RANDA

Well, I really got into it with one of my English teachers today.

JANICE

Huh?

RANDA

Well, I demanded that she justify her failure to place a comma before the final ‘and’ in a list of items.

JANICE

And?

RANDA

Yeah, that’s what I just said.

JANICE

You said what?

RANDA

Not what, ‘and.’

JANICE

I know you said AND, so then WHAT happened?’

RANDA

Well, I told her that she was a lazy, no-count, ignorant, and really stupid b …

JANICE

(Crying and blowing her nose) How truly awful!

RANDA

Mom! I was just kidding! I thought it would make you laugh.

JANICE

Oh, Randa it isn’t your story. It’s this onion, but it’s also the way the meeting went today. It was such a disaster! I think we really insulted everyone and could have started a major cultural war.

JEFFREY

Awww, come on Ma, cheer up. I’m sure they really liked your idea.

JANICE

Oh, Jeffrey, after we shared our idea they were all shouting so much that we dashed out of there like a bunch of frightened squirrels.

JEFFREY

I’m sure you’ve just been watching way too much FOX ‘News.’ There’s no need to freak out. You can always apologize.

JANICE

Maybe. I hope so. I hope they just forget we were ever there.

RANDA

Well, like you always say, at least you tried your best.

JANICE

Thanks, Randa. Usually that’s true, that’s all you can look back and say you did sometimes, and that has to be good enough. But when you don’t know the best way to go about things, well, you can get yourself in some serious trouble! Gosh, ever since your dad died and I lost to that lousy investment all the hard-earned money that he had saved …

RANDA

Oh, now come on. How were you supposed to know that no one would buy padded sports bras anymore!

JEFFREY

Right. No one could have ever predicted this kind of boom in breast implants!

JANICE

Well, I am committed to getting your futures squared away, but it has not been easy. I have to keep thinking up things to do to make money because I can’t find anything stable. Nobody’ll hire this expensive, over-educated old bat to be a teacher – it’s cheaper for schools to hire a kid fresh out of college! And I know you’ve heard it all before, but I spent so much time moving around the world with your corporate father that I never kept a single job for long, which makes my hiring record look like Swiss cheese. So, if or until I land something steady, I’ve just got to keep on trying different ideas that come to mind. I tell ya, my antennas are on high alert, twenty-five eight. The only good thing is that for the very first time in my life I really am able to focus on my refined talents (dumps vegetables into a frying pan) and incredible creativity (squirting sauce noisily all over them). Ya know, it’s just so darn difficult to convince people that you’ve really got a touch of genius!

RANDA

Well, and all the more so when those people are of an entirely different religion and culture! And especially during these tense, political times!

JEFFREY

Yeah, no kidding, Mom! What you did today either took a lot of guts or incredible stupidity, and we’re just so darn proud of you.

JANICE

Thanks? I guess? … Now, as for you young man, well, I’m just happy as a clam about your magazine. How did your meeting go with that big shot executive?

JEFFREY

Well, things are definitely happening! She’s placing a few pricey ads in the magazine, and, you might be happy to know, she was especially interested in the scheme to find creative ways to employ people by using used skateboarding gear. She said her company might help sponsor the project if we can show her that it’s running professionally.

JANICE

Well you’re just full of good news. Good job, kiddo!

JEFFREY

Well, it wasn’t me, it was the concept she liked.

JANICE

Yes, but you and Matt were able to sell her on it. And that’s the important thing. That’s where the success lies. Lots of people have good ideas but until they’re put into motion they’re nothing but drifting balloons.

JEFFREY

Well, we all know who’s got the best ideas. This thing about the noodles –Meccaroni – I think it’s pretty cool.

JANICE

(Slicing chocolate cake and placing on plate.) Well, young man, it is. But, turning our attention back to you, always remember that flattery will get you a big piece of chocolate cake, but it won’t get you a degree. You have to keep chiseling away on that.

RANDA

Hey, we haven’t even had dinner yet and he gets dessert?!

JANICE

It’s a mother’s prerogative, dear.

ACT III, scene ii

Afternoon, Patti’s home interior, large formal living room is filled with heaps and heaps of dirty t-shirts piled around to the extent that there is no room to walk. Only Patti’s head is visible behind a mound of clothing. A half dozen elderly men and women are sitting around at tables slowly tearing them into strips or cutting out their designs to make quilts. A few are sewing at a large formal dining table.

Janice and Jack, casually dressed, walk in, agape.

JANICE

Patti?

PATTI

(Sobbing in corner buried up to her neck in faded t-shirts.)

JANICE

Patti what’s wrong?

PATTI

Oh, nothing … (sarcastic) we’re just like one big happy Chinese family in the laundry business and I’m the mother! Oh, Janice, what do I do??? (whining) all the T-shirts are smelly and everything is getting all mixed uuup!

JANICE

Jack! We’ve got to help get this place organized!

(Unbeknownst to them, Matt, Jeffrey and female executive enter.)

JACK

(Contemplative) But where might one begin? (To a rough looking elderly man who is sewing a bit of fabric by hand) What lovely stitchery you’ve got there mate! Such even, delicate strokes.

ELDERLY MAN

(Sticks Jack in the rear end with his needle)

JACK

Ouch! You savage!

JANICE

Jack, behave!

JACK

Oh, well, (Picks up a white t-shirt and drapes it over his head and down his back and then ads a black torn strip around the top of his head so he looks like a traditional Arab. Starts speaking in harsh tones, jumps up on a table.) perhaps I’ll have greater success with these people if I really let them know that I mean business! (Brandishes child’s pink pair of scissors w/ rounded blades.)

JEFFREY

Hello Mom, everyone.

JACK

(Sheepish, stepping down from table, says hello in Arabic) Er, um, Aleh kum salam.

JANICE

Oh! Hello! (Shakes hands with executive.)

PATTI

extricates herself from T-shirt pile.

JEFFREY

Mom, Jack, Aunt Patti, I’d like you to meet Miss Karen Lampson, she’s here to take a look at our operations on behalf of the Jet skate company.

JANICE

Well, good afternoon. Please, have a seat and, well, look, see! Gosh, How about this response, huh?!

PATTI

It’s overwhelming!

JACK

But impressive!

KAREN

Oh, my, that it is! Truthfully, Jeffrey, Matt, thank you for sharing this with me, but I guess we’ll have to wait a while before taking on this sponsorship. You can understand.

JEFFREY

Oh, well, let’s talk about it. Anyway, it seems such a shame you came all this way, can’t we at least offer you something? Please, have a cup of coffee!

KAREN

Oh, no thank you.

MATT

Macaroni and cheese?

KAREN

No, no thank you. Good bye. And good luck.

JEFFREY

Goodbye.

(Everyone looks at Janice.)

JANICE

Well, I’m sorry boys. I didn’t know it would end up like this, but, we’ll pull it together and she or somebody else like her will come around again!

JACK

Of course! Just look at this! A lot of good has come from your skateboarding magazine! Look at all these happy employees!

(Employees look miserable and confused.)

PATTI

Say, Janice, did you ever hear back from the folks at the noodle factory?

JANICE

Oh, honestly Patti, when we’ve got an avalanche on our heads should we talk about yesterday’s hurricane?

JACK

You mean the Pastanatics?

JANICE

Oh Jack, stop. No Patti, I haven’t heard anything, nor am I keeping my hopes up, so whaddya say, let’s focus on resolving Matters nearer at hand.

JACK

But, while we’re on the topic, Janice, I would like to take this opportunity – well, and I’m sure that I also speak on behalf of Madam Ling here – to thank you for having exposed us to the professional world of business!

PATTI

Oh, now, now Jack, there’s no need for biting sarcasm. But, let me just comment a bit further by adding, truthfully, Janice, don’t you ever do anything like that again!

JANICE

Oh, now, come on where’s your sense of adventure? Anyway, it was kind of educational … we at least all learned what Sulaiman tea is … Right?

PATTI

Oh, and I’ll be so darn happy to know that when I get a sore throat the next time I’m in Kandahar.

(Janice’s cell phone rings.)

JANICE

(Looking at phone, then to everyone) Shh! It’s the pasta people!! Hello? … Oh, um, (changing voice) are you quite sure that you dialed the correct number? This happens to be a branch office of the federal department of home-schooling immaturity.

PATTI

(Whispering, frantic) Janice, you can’t fake it! He called your cell phone!

JANICE

(Reluctantly speaking in her own voice) Yes. This is Mrs. Janusz. What? They liked it? You’d like to go ahead with it? Wow! You’ll send me the details? Sure, I will, I’ll be happy to tell them. Thank you! But, excuse me! If you don’t mind, Mr. Sulaiman, well, it’s just that we sort of came to think that everyone hated the idea, the way everyone seemed to be shouting and all. Oh really? Oh really? Ohhhh, I seeee. Hmm. Well, okay then, thank you again. Goodbye.

JEFFREY

 Well?

JANICE

They weren’t angry! They were never angry! They just shout when they discuss something! They liked it! They liked the idea! They’re gonna do the Meccaroniiiii!

JACK

Congratulations Janice, I’m so glad that I could be of help.

PATTI

(hugs) I always knew they would go for it.

JANICE

What?

PATTI

I did!

JANICE

How could you possibly have thought they’d go for it?

PATTI

Oh, I could tell the moment we stepped into Mr. Sulaiman’s office and I saw a photo on his wall of a yellow lab.

JANICE

A yellow lab? Oh, well, just let me just think this through. Now, that would be unusual because you wouldn’t expect that he would go in for dogs, so that would mean to you that he would go for my foreign influence because he likes dogs, right? Aha! I’ve figured out how your brain works, Patti, and I’m gettin’ way ahead of you for once.

PATTI

(Miffed) No. I mean a yellow lab – a science lab that’s yellow, where they test stuff, silly.

JANICE

What?

PATTI

In the photo I could see a message board listing incentives for those who came up with new concepts. The board was blank! That meant that nobody there had any good ideas!

JACK

Well, that’s interesting Patti, good observation. But, if you saw all of that and took it so seriously, why didn’t you say something?

PATTI

Tell you about it?

JACK

Well, heck yeah, Patti. It would have been nice to have some hope while we waited for these guys to chew on the idea.

PATTI

Well, that’s my point, exactly!

JANICE

‘Exactly’?

PATTI

Janice, you left the noodle samples there when we tore out of the place, didn’t you?

JANICE

Yeah, but, so?

(As Patti starts babbling, Janice goes to Patti’s purse, removes torn abaya from it and drapes it around Patti.)

PATTI

So, they chewed. You just had to wait until they were finished!

(Janice starts singing to tune of Macarena, engaging all in dance. All repeat the song and sing the refrain as the curtain closes.)

JANICE

We made a little noodle and they’re really gonna buy it! Hey, Meccaroni! So when we go to Mecca we’ll eat Mecca Meccaroni.

ALL

Hey, Meccaroni!

END

Meccaroni (wc 9,539)

By Nancy Collisson, Copyright 2007 Dubai 

All Rights Reserved

From Expiration Date & Other Stories by Nancy Collisson